Kids, like any of us, will choose choices based on what will satisfy their immediate needs. William Glasser M.D. states in his book, Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom , that, "We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World," -- Quality World being our ideal world that we highly value. Therefore the choices that our child makes, like us, will be to satisfy the things, people, and systems of beliefs that satisfy their own quality world. The behavior or choice used to achieve this can be a problem.
The Disorganized Child
A child that is messy and disorganized is choosing to do be this way because it satisfies their Quality World. This doesn’t mean that their choice makes them better off, but that the choice that they are making is better in their own mind, compared to an alternate choice. The child will continue to stay disorganized until they believe another choice will better get them to their Quality World.
A child may be choosing to be disorganized because:
- he wants to do what he wants, when he wants - a need for power.
- she would rather be doing something else - a need for freedom or fun
- he likes the attention he receives from parents - a need for love and belonging
The child will continue to stay disorganized until he or she learns that being organized makes more sense for their Quality World.
- he can't go out on Saturdays - not satisfying power or freedom needs
- she can't use the phone - not satisfying fun need
- he gets no complaining or bicker or any discussion at all about the room - not satisfying love and belonging need
Kids Choosing to Organize
It is important to help the child to get organized on their own, and not to force him to get organized. There will be a time in the child’s life where no one will be around to make them do anything. The idea is that you cannot control anyone's action but your own. One example of controlling your own behavior in dealing with a disrespectful teen, as used by Marianne Hartigan in her article "Empowering Yourself Through Change", is when she states "maybe you can't get your teenage son to treat you with respect but you can decide that you will no longer provide a laundry and catering service to a son who treats you with contempt." The idea for getting your child to choose to organize their room is the same.
It should be clear to your child that if the room is not clean and organized, they will not get a normal benefit. This may be the 4pm snack, or the after school play time, or for older teens, use of the car on Saturdays. Since they are making the choice, and nothing is being forced on them, they will eventually choose the choice that makes them happier. The key is the normal benefit that is expected by the child.
Examples for adult choices based on normal benefits:
- Your household electricity is a benefit, and not paying the electric bill is the result of that decision.
- Your paycheck is a benefit, and choosing not to go to work means you don’t get this scheduled benefit
As long as these are routines, meaning that these things happen at expected times, then they can be withheld – like electricity or a paycheck. Even weekly events, like accompanying mom while shopping, or going to the grandparent’s house on the weekend can be withheld if the child has had a bad week.
Therefore, if they choose to make the right choice, nothing changes, but if they choose not to take care of their room, then they lose the benefit. If they refuse to organize and clean their mess, don’t do it for them, don’t complain or bicker, just remind them that they won’t be getting their daily treat, daily play time, or daily television time – just leave it at that. They will choose the choice that best suits them.
They will still need to know how to be organized and to have a system in place to be able to organize and store their items.
Read How to Organize Kids for more kid's room organizing ideas.
 |
